Hatin' on the breeders

I had my court-appointed interview yesterday for the readoption. It came in the middle of a long day -- stressful day at work including giving a presentation, then rushing home for the interview, then heading back downtown for a working dinner.

The investigator was very nice, very personable. I really shouldn't complain.

But still.

I have never gotten used to the intrusiveness of the adoption process. I really hated having to answer so many personal questions, particularly about my relationship with Ray. I know we're doing this whole thing in a nontraditional way. So we're under more scrutiny even than a married couple. I know we have to 'splain ourselves to people appointed by the court who are only doing their jobs, and part of that job is looking out for the best interests of a child.

But still.

When breeders have to go through this kind of 3rd degree every time they pop a child into the world, I won't be so cranky.

Anniversary and deadline

The date isn't exactly right, but two years ago, on the Friday of Labor Day Weekend, I made my first call to my adoption agency. Although I didn't know it at the time, that call started my journey to Owen.

I have off on Fridays in the summer, so in 2006 I was using my Fridays to do adoption research. I had contacted a bunch of agencies and received info packets or gone to open houses, when a Google search on "Vietnam adoption" turned up my future agency. I read about their Vietnam program -- Vietnam was on my list of potential countries, along with Guatemala and Taiwan -- and the agency looked good. So I gave them a call and had a great chat with the woman who would become my adoption social worker.

Two years ago, when I asked how long the wait was, she said they had waiting children at the orphanage. (This is an adoption term for children cleared for adoption when there aren't paperwork-ready parents to match them with; in general, the reserve is the case -- "waiting families" have paperwork ready and are hoping for children to enter orphanages and be cleared for adoption.) After hearing nothing but lengthy waits from every agency I'd called, to think that they had kids waiting for their new families was very encouraging.

Of course, we all know how it turned out. Nothing in international adoption is predictable, and I ended up waiting...and waiting...and waiting. But darn, was it worth it, because I got the kid I was supposed to get.

When I called my future agency, Owen's birth mother was in the final weeks of her pregnancy. It sometimes blows my mind to think of how all the planets aligned.

So two years after making that phone call, here I am, watching Owen and Ray nap on the couch and thinking I'm just about the luckiest person in the world. And that's after this morning, when Owen jammed a fork in the side of a Barq's root beer can and made a "fountain" in the kitchen.

On some not so happy news, my anniversary runs up against September 1, a sad day for many folks, as it's the day that US-Vietnam adoptions are suspended till further notice. I'm still on the waiting families email list from my agency -- they're a little slow to clean up their lists -- and from a message I received a few weeks ago, it looked like they didn't expect to make any more referrals before Sept. 1. (The US-VN agreement said that as long as you had a referral of a child by Sept. 1, you could finish your adoption, but if you didn't have a referral, your paperwork would be returned to you, good night and good luck.) My agency said waiting families could either wait out a new Vietnam-US agreement (no idea how long that will be -- the last time was a couple years), or consider switching to their Russian program.

Changing countries isn't that simple. You have to do new paperwork, pay new fees, and take your place in a new line. It's of course an option, but I really feel for the families that didn't make the deadline -- more delays, more expense, having to get your head around a different way of building your family than you'd planned.

I don't doubt that there are problems with Vietnam adoption (documented here), but not all agencies and orphanages are involved in corrupt practices, and it's so sad that the bad apples are spoiling it for those that conduct their adoptions ethically. And it's sad that months after the US Embassy report, the US government and Vietnam couldn't come to an agreement to let some adoption agencies continue to operate. We saw so many beautiful children at the orphanage and they all deserve permanent homes. And we've met some of our agency's waiting families who were far back on the line compared to us.

So I'm taking some time today to remember that phone call two years ago and be thankful that I made it when I did, and that I'm where I am today: lucky, lucky, lucky beyond words.

Almost there

The Embassy interview went well. It wasn't really an interview, like they used to do, thanks to the new procedures. All I had to do was swear that everything in the visa application was true to the best of my knowledge. Hey, no problem!

We were there for a long time, however. They told us we could get the visas the same day, at 4 p.m., so we elected to hang out and wait for them. Over an hour in a government office waiting area with a toddler... ugh. He was moderately good, with one small meltdown. Unfortunately, the visas weren't ready at 4. They told us maybe 5 p.m., so Thao sent us back to the hotel and waited for us. 5 p.m., no visas. They are promising by 9 a.m. tomorrow.

What does that mean? That possibly means that by 9 a.m. we're done and free to leave Vietnam. Unfortunately, we might not be able to leave early. There was a typhoon in Taiwan on Monday, and it resulted in all flights being canceled out of Taipei. Our travel agent is warning that he might not be able to change our tickets because the Taiwanese airline we're on is so backlogged right now.

Most of us are all a little depressed about this. We're all so ready to come home. So, we're crossing our fingers and seeing what can be done to get us home early, but we really can't give the travel agent the go-ahead to find us flights until we have the kids' visas in hand tomorrow.

But as you saw from Ray's posts, today was a good day. Loc was just great today. Happy kid with only the normal toddler tantrums every now and then. Plus, MAJOR development. When Ray tried to give him his bottle this morning, he screamed and wriggled away and cried for "Meh! Meh!" (His version of Mommy -- a Vietnamese/English hybrid). He did it a few more times today, calling for "Meh" when he wanted something. Pretty cool, huh? And I was so worried about bonding.

Also, he understands a ton of Vietnamese and very little English, but he still surprises us. This evening he instigated a peek-a-boo game with the living room curtains. He'd hide behind then, and we'd wonder aloud where he was, and he would burst out of them and come running at us. It was simply amazing -- just from the tone of our voices, I guess, he figured out how to play the game. So, if we are stuck here till Sunday, at least we have something fun to do.

Countdown to G&R

It's 9:15 a.m. in Vietnam, and the van will be here at 11 with the nannies and the babies. They'll spend a little time with us showing us how to take care of our new children. This is especially important for the little babies who are on formula that no one knows the name of yet, but I've been assured that Loc will eat "everything." I'm hoping his nanny will get me up-to-speed on bedtime and naptime as well as the best ways to comfort him. Yesterday, she was patting his leg, and that seemed to help.

Thao will take the nannies to lunch here at the hotel while we get the kids in their fancy duds for the Giving & Receiving Ceremony. Then we all pile in the van and go down the street to the government office. The G&R is at 2. Then it's back to the hotel for the nannies to say good-bye to the kids. They have taken such great care of our little ones. It's going to be an emotional afternoon.

I want to thank everyone who has commented on the blog -- we love reading your comments and having contact with our friends and family back home. I realized, however, that some of you were having trouble commenting, so I went in and changed the settings to make it easier. So keep the comments coming!

We'll try to post G&R photos this evening (tomorrow morning for you guys).

Challenging day

Today's visit was a little different. When we got there, Loc was sound asleep in his crib, having his nap. Usually he sleeps till 1:30, but that's when we were leaving, so the nanny woke him up for us. I wasn't so sure this was a good idea, but language barrier and all....

So, I had one cranky, unhappy baby on my hands. I couldn't hold him today -- I tried, but he screamed and fought me off. He was very possessive with his toys that the other kids kept trying to take from him or shake in front of him. Overstimulation overload. He just fretted and whimpered and cried for the first hour of our visit.

I sat by him on the floor for most of the time and talked quietly to him or to Ray and some of the other parents who came in and out, just to get him used to my voice. After a while, he was still fussy, but he risked making eye contact with me.

The last 15 minutes we were there, he sat on a bench with Ray and the nanny and let Ray shake his hand and give him goldfish crackers. In fact, Ray entertained the other kids with his floppy-arm handshake and had them in gales of laughter, practically all jumping on him for more. Loc started imitating the other kids and asking for a handshake, and I swear I saw a smile and almost a laugh in there somewhere.

So, not the most gratifying day, but that'll all come. A few things I learned today: NEVER wake him early from a nap, and his fine motor skills look pretty darn good. The nanny gave him a small packet of fruit gel snacks, and he kept taking them out of the packet (a silvery envelope) and putting them back in. Very good coordination.

Other highlights: We went to a supermarket today to stock up on Loc supplies and some candy for the kids, since today was our last visit to the orphanage. We're all madly in love with the older kids who can't be adopted. We overbought on candy and snacks, I'm sure, but we couldn't help ourselves.

Tomorrow is Gotcha Day. The nannys and the babies arrive at 11, and the G&R is at 2. Or is it 3? I've got to start writing this stuff down. I'm just following the herd at this point. We travel back to Saigon on Thursday to do the passport application and the medical evaluation. We get that stuff back on Friday, and fly up to Hanoi either Saturday or Sunday.

All subject to change, of course. But that looks like the schedule so far.

We'll have access to one of the parents' laptops tonight, so we'll upload some photos later on. This evening's agenda, our last "free night," is sight-seeing in Phan Thiet and a seafood dinner, followed by drinks and a little party in one couple's room.

Tomorrow's going to be a busy day, and a big, big day for us. I officially adopt Loc tomorrow. After that, he's mine in the eyes of the Vietnamese government.

I just hope he's had his nap.

We're here!

Whew, has it been a long day.

We got to Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) around 11:30 a.m. local time. Thao met us at the airport, and we took a van in. It's hard to describe the van trip, but I hope on the way out we'll shoot some film of it to share. Imagine you're in a minivan with other cars in heavy traffic, and there are people on scooters all around you, and by all around you I mean you look out the window and there's a family of three on a scooter inches from your window, and every few minutes you hit a new intersection, and scooters and cars cut in front of you to make left-hand turns or merge into your lane from the right. Hundreds of them.

Somehow it all works, but sometimes there are literally inches to spare. And there are also people on bikes in this fray. Tonight, we saw tossed in the mix of this crazy traffic a guy on a bike transporting an entire six-piece set of wicker furniture.

Oh, and everyone's got their hands on the horn full-time. It's not NYC horn-blowing, however. It's somehow gentle and polite.

The hotel is gorgeous. We're on the 17th floor, and there's a lounge on the 18th where we can have drinks and snacks till midnight. The service is fantastic -- I've written four paragraphs and have been asked three times if there's anything anyone can get me.

After we rested up and took much-needed showers, we took a walk around the hotel area. Yes, we crossed streets in Saigon by ourselves, which wasn't as bad as I feared. And while the humidity here is pretty brutal, it's not that much worse than DC in August.

Thao took us out to buy strollers, and then we went to dinner. The stroller shopping was a disappointment -- we got a really flimsy umbrella stroller for more than we would have paid for one in the US, making me irritated that we were advised to buy one here instead of bringing one. Oh well.

But dinner was amazing. The card is back in the room so I don't have the name of the restaurant, but if you've seen Tony Bourdain's or Andrew Zimmer's episodes on Vietnam, you've seen it featured. It's this huge open-air restaurant with essentially "streets" lining the perimeter featuring the best "street food" vendors in the city. You assemble your meal from the various chefs, who all specialize in one or two items. We had spring rolls, summer rolls, shrimp 'n pork crepes, steamed shrimp, a spicy cucumber/chicken/pork salad on rice crackers, and grilled squid. The shrimp (head-on of course) were amazing -- nothing like the farm-raised, faintly bleached-tasting ones you get at home. You dip them in a mixture of coasre salt and pepper doused with lime juice. We ate tons, had a couple rounds of beers, and it totalled less than $10 a piece.

Now we're crashing hard. Despite doing really well today energy-wise, the jet lag is catching up. And tomorrow's going to be a long day as well. Oh, with one highlight: We meet Loc.

We still don't have a Giving & Receiving Ceremony date, which is a bit nerve-wracking at this point. It won't be Monday, maybe Tuesday, maybe Wednesday. So, we'll leave the hotel tomorrow at 8, and be driven three and a half hours to the orphanage. We'll hang out with Loc for a while, then go another hour and a half to the hotel. If the G&R is not until Wednesday, we probably will go back to the orphanage on Monday for another visit, and then not get Loc until Tuesday. We just have to stay flexible and go with the flow right now. Nothing to worry about, but of course we wish things were more definitive.

It's 8:30 p.m. here now, and I've got to get some sleep so I'm in the best possible shape tomorrow to meet the little guy. It's going to be a big day.

Investigation

USCIS visited the Ham Tan orphanage on Thursday, and according to our agency, it went well, with the officials satisfied with the documentation the orphanage has on Loc. No word about DNA testing, although I don't think I can write that off yet.

So, we should be hearing our I-600 decision very soon.

I'm alternately overjoyed and scared to death. Things are going to go quickly after we get the approval (and we WILL get the approval, I've got to keep telling myself). Oy, I've got to buy his mattress and the rug for his room, we've got to get our shots, I only have a few things for our medical kit, and the house is nowhere near babyproofed. Oh, and I've got to get the shoes for the trip.

I can feel my to-do list getting out of control.

But we're moving forward. Another milestone, and in less time than I'd thought.

I-600 Filed!

The countdown has begun. My I-600 was filed on Monday. My agency says the approval process is averaging 45 days, with travel 10 to 14 days after approval.

That puts us at the end of July, beginning of August. Barring any delays.

So I'll be in a state of high anxiety for the next month and a half. Oh wait...how is that different from my usual state?

The week that was

Talk about a roller coaster.

Over the last few days:

• I learned that my I-600 isn't going to be filed till the end of the month, pushing me into late July/August for traveling , best-case scenario. That's if the embassy continues its average 45-day turnaround.
  
  I'm so disappointed. I cried on the phone with my agency. That's more time in the orphanage for Loc, and every day it's so hard to think of what we're both missing out on. When I got my referral, the timeline was late May/early June for travel; it's brutal to see it lenghten.

• I got new photos and new videos. As you can see, he's getting to be a little boy. He still has his bracelet, but he is rapidly leaving babyhood behind. He looks so sad in the videos, but maybe that's just me projecting. I'm happy to have new photos, but they just make me miss him that much more.

• I watched the story on Vietnam adoptions on CNN's "American Morning." Tough to watch.
  

• I had an excellent shower with my wonderful family. My mom outdid herself with great food and planning. My niece hooked us up with a animal-themed cake made by a woman she works with. Absolutely amazing -- fondant giraffes, monkeys, and elephants. I'll post pictures soon.
  
  Great turnout and the most imaginative and thoughtful gifts. Loc is so set with toys and clothes now. Aunt Gail gave him three UNC shirts, which I can't wait to see him in. Really cool presents from my aunts, cousins, family friends, sisters, nieces, nephew, and parents. The welcome that they're giving Loc overwhelms me sometimes.
  

• I got my second year's worth of Happy Mother's Day to the Mother-to-Be cards. When I got these cards last year, I was bursting with happiness and anticipation. Now...the sentiment is appreciated, but a second year? Sigh...
  

Deep Breaths

The news is not good. Vietnam is ending adoptions with the U.S. starting Sept. 1.

For now, I've dodged a bullet, since I've already accepted Loc's referral. According to what's been laid down, my case can proceed. But I can expect that my paperwork will get the fine-tooth-comb treatment before it's approved, and that could mean delays. Or worse, like a NOID.

My heart aches for all the wonderful people I've met through my agency who won't have referrals in time.

And I'm scared that further restrictions will be imposed. The situation, it seems, is volatile.

WTF. I've come too far on this journey now to lose heart, but it's a scary, scary time.